Welcome Aboard My Rehab Coaster

"We're gonna take you up really high, drop you really low, and you'll go really fast!" - Roller Coaster Operator

On my way to physical therapy today, I must've passed ten runners taking advantage of the cooler temperatures this morning and experienced an equal variety of emotions from jealousy, inspiration, joy, hope, worry, trepidation, resentment, frustration, and excitement to determination. Phew, that's a lot for a commute on a Tuesday morning! 

I wanted to be on the road pushing the ground away behind me, enjoying the occasional spray from lawn sprinklers, the smells of fresh-cut grass, and the "good mornings" from other runners. My yearning quickly took a turn into jealousy.

But just as suddenly, this jealousy dissolved into inspiration to remain determined and focused on rehabilitation. Chick, chick, chick uphill in my brain, I visualized a triumphant return to running, filling me with joy and excitement.

Then the image took a steep dive into worry. What if? What if the surgery isn't successful, no matter what I do or how hard I work? Or what if it is a success but not enough to run again? Science doesn't back that up, but this autoimmune disease may stop me. Resentment and frustration toward my body burbled to the surface. How dare my body fail me! How dare it give up! 

Welcome aboard my rehab coaster. It's a wild ride that makes my stomach drop. Sometimes I feel happy and raise my hands; other times, I feel scared and grip the seat belt. 

Fortunately, I'm not alone on this ride. I have my friends and family for emotional support and my physical therapy colleague, Sam, to hold me accountable. 

Like I tell my patients, rehab is not a perfect trajectory to the end goal. There are ups and downs, both physical and mental. And I suppose if I dish out that advice, I better take it. So while on this rehab coaster, I will try to keep my hands, feet, and, most of all, my head inside the ride “at all times.“